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Day 3 Athens: Rehabilitation

October 14, 2012

 

There are these real cool plaster uga bulldogs all over this hotel; in fact, all over Athens.  I am obssessed with them.  I want one to put by the front door of the house to greet everyone as they approach.  Cool.  Today we will be on a trek to find them.  I don’t think it should be too hard though, given we are in Athens.  would be alot harder if we were in say, France or something.

Last night we watched another Morgan Freeman flick.  Must be Morgan Freeman week.  Anyway, it was Shawshank Redemption; it is the first time that I have seen this film.  Im sure Im the only person left on this planet who had not seen it.  Its not that I don’t like movies, I do.  Its not that I don’t like Morgan Freeman, I do even more.  Its that I cant stand to see people suffer, or mistreated, or put into prison for things they didn’t do- so you see my angst with this film?.  However, I closed my eyes at the parts I didn’t like and watched the movie (closed eyes? watched?).  Anyway, at the end of the film when Red (Morgan) goes up yet again before the parole board, thinking he is once again going to be denied, he talks about “rehabilitation”.  He states that if he could go and talk to that young brash boy of his youth and straighten him out, then this never would have happened.  but he cant go back so he lives with those bad decisions he made every day for the rest of his life. Well, it got me to thinking. 

What have I done with my life that I would change, or more importantly, that I wouldn’t.  What about you?  I must admit, there are several times in my life that I made decisions that were not the smartest.  In fact on a smart scale of 1 to 10, they are probably and negative 5.  I wish I could admit I didn’t repeat them.  But I cant.  I did.  Is it like memorizing the state capitals when you are a kid, you have to repeat it aloud so many times before it sticks? Or like wash, rinse, repeat?  What I can say, is that I can look back at those ‘errors in judgment’ and see through them like tinted glass and see what I really needed to learn.  I lack self-confidence.  Nancy?, you say, lacking in self-confidence??  Hogwash!  Her confidence exudes like that head in the hair of that lady (car commercial – which I hate by the way).  Not really, I would tell you.  its all an act.  Not an act, like in a play or one-man-show. Not done purposefully or with forethought, practice or training.  but rather, as a layer of pancake makeup to coverup my insecurities.  Those past mistakes, bad calls, stupid decisions were done to cover up my fear.  My fear of not knowing, not being part of the crowd, of being seen as inadequate.  Now for the practicality of all of this insight.  At 54, Im pretty comfortable in my own skin.  Or at least Im getting there.  This morning I opened my work email to find that we are issuing a press release on a product coming out of my org and they want to put in a quote from me.  Cool you say.  Yea, I say; however, then I have to take all of the media interviews.  Cool you say.  No, I say, I don’t really like doing them.  I did them in the past, because I thought that it would make me seem more important, fit in better in the mgmt team at Visa.  Well, this time, I said – put in a quote from one of my directs.  Let them have the notority and attention, it will help with their career.  This is kind of a big thing, cause everyone in my biz shoots to be quoted in the press and have their names in print (good for the resume). For the first time, I acknowledged to myself that it isn’t important to me, to defining my selfworth or who I am.  I can be good at what I do without that. 

This physical journey through the south and west, is just as much about a mental and emotional journey.  Its not about finding me.  Its about re-discovering me.  Through new places, people, and experiences.  I just need to keep my mind and my imagination open.

Now, on to finding that dawg.

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